The Lord has kept me in a bit of a holding pattern this past year. There is so much I could say to describe my situation, but He’s made it abundantly clear that for me, this is a time to refrain and be silent. Though this reserve regards a particular relationship, I hesitate to declare to the blogging sphere anything I have not been released to say to the one of which I speak.
It’s been difficult these past two weeks for two reasons. The first is that this friend and I are finally in the same place for more than a week for the first time in about nine months. The second is that in a few weeks’ time we will say goodbye again – this time for an indefinite, but lengthy, duration. I want a chance to finally speak. To freely share from my heart, even embrace, before I run out of opportunities.
Lately I’ve begun to wonder if Father will ever tell me, “Now’s the time.” I wrote about a month ago about my friend who has entered his own season of speaking freely, no matter the consequences. I both admire and envy his efforts. A large part of me wants to follow his example and just say what I’ve wanted to say since last summer.
Yet I simply cannot do that. Elisabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity weighs heavily on my mind. A woman of God isn’t supposed to act that way. She is to wait silently and patiently for a man to say those things first. Even if she’s certain the young man wants the same things, she must wait for him to speak.
I’m not happy about this. I wish I could just speak my mind, say my piece, hold nothing back….
I have no idea what the outcome would be, but my guess is that I wouldn’t like it. In conclusion, I’m going to keep my mouth shut these next seven weeks, even if it kills me.
But if I didn’t, maybe then I would know with absolute certainty whether this season is “a time to keep” or a “time to throw away.”