My heart is not proud, O Lord,
My eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
Or things too wonderful for me.
I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. Trying to understand WHY this great gift of salvation was just handed to me at the age of five. Why I was given two incredible parents who love God and love one another. Why I never had to worry about where I would sleep at night, when I would get my next meal, whether my loved ones would still be around from one day to the next. Why God kept me on such a short leash that I have no dramatic story to tell on Sunday when I stand before a congregation and fulfill the Lord’s command of baptism.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all wishing I had a story like that to tell. I am so thankful that I don’t know the pain and the shame of a life completely wasted. I am thrilled that I can say that God has been my Faithful and True Redeemer since as long as I can remember. I know that it is only by His grace that my sins (that I definitely have, though they may not be as visible as others) have been washed away, and only through His great love that I was spared from what I could have easily become.
But I still don’t understand WHY ME? I am thankful. I don’t wish for a different story to tell. Yet I hate that so often those whose stories are so different from mine think that somehow I am better than they. Believe me, I am just as messed up and in need of a Savior. In Christ alone, my hope is found. The question still remains: why did God, in His infinite love and wisdom, decide to make it easy for me? I was a Christian Thought minor in college. I know the textbook theological answer – everything He does is ultimately for His glory and our good. Like David long ago, I have to still and quiet my soul and just be ok with that answer.
So how can my story and one the complete antithesis of my own both accomplish the same goal – for His glory and our good? I know the right answer to this question, but my heart doesn’t accept it today….
I’m still not quite satisfied. I want to be.
I don’t know how many people actually read this blog. But if you read this post and have any insight that could help, please comment.
And while you’re at it, I’ve got a friend who is desperate for God to break through in a big way. Please pray with me for a miracle.
More on this topic to follow.