2015 did not begin the way I hoped it would. My boyfriend and I broke up after nearly two years of dating. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt I felt. To make it even worse, he began dating someone else within a couple weeks. Weeks. After two years. This same man had told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. And he forgot about me within weeks. Less than four weeks.
My heart aches.
The past month has been one of the most difficult that I can remember, as I’ve sorted through my feelings (so.many.feelings!) and wrestled with the Lord over my deepest fears and hurts. However, I’d be remiss if I failed to say that this month has been so sweet and precious. God is proving to be my Refuge, Strength, and Shield. I’m beginning to see things differently. This breakup may really be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
As I’ve drawn near to Him, He’s revealed Himself in new ways.
Exodus 13:17-18 “When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, ‘If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.’ So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea.”
God led the Israelites down a MUCH LONGER road – through the desert in a roundabout way (see the map below). In some ways it probably looked frustrating and unfair and ridiculous. The truth, however, is that God had really chosen the easier way for them. It was the road He knew they could handle, even if they didn’t always handle it well…hence the 40 years in the wilderness.
I must trust that God has chosen the best way for me – the road that I can handle, but only by His strength; the road that will not cause me to flee from His grasp and run back to captivity; the road that will cause me to draw near to Him and seek His face with every breath.
Maybe he caused my ex to find someone else because He understands how weak I truly am, even better than I understood. He knew my resolve might not have held and I would have run back to a relationship in which I now realize:
- I was not loved
- I was not tenderly cared for
- Did not satisfy me or bring peace and contentment
- Did not bring me joy
- Was based on fear and the need to perform to prove myself worthy of his love and attention
- Did not cause me to seek the Lord
- Did not encourage me to fall more in love with Jesus
Acts 17:26-27 “From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.”
God is merciful. In His sovereignty, love, and tenderness, He ordered these circumstances so that I would reach out for Him. The verse in Acts points to the fact that He plans all our lives to set us up for our best possible chance to know Him. As Spurgeon writes, “Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there…Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.” So even though sometimes I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to think about this without crying, He is good. He ordered these things so that I could be rescued from a relationship that, if it had lasted, would have only led to my eternal destruction.
All is grace.
I will praise Him.
His cross dispels each doubt;
I bury in His tomb
Each thought of unbelief and fear,
Each lingering shade of gloom.
I praise the God of grace;
I trust His truth and might;
He calls me His, I call Him mine.
My God, my joy and light.