I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like
But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You’re pleased and that I’m never alone…
I don’t normally wake up in the middle of the night. While it may take me a while to fall asleep, I usually have no problem staying asleep once it happens. So I was surprised a couple weeks ago when I awoke around 2am and found myself wide awake.
Realizing I wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon, I sat up and reached for my book. In that brief moment, I found myself overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. It came like a mighty wave and I felt like it would drown me.
I looked out the window and uttered a single word, “Why?” Why did I feel this way? I haven’t felt this alone in a long time – this year is one of the first where I feel like I truly belong in this town, in my church… Yes, I long for a family, but I am surrounded by a family of faith and children who run to greet me when I get to church or worship practice or small group. It has been a gift.
But the truth is there is still a piece that feels alone. Unseen. Unknown. It’s a far deeper longing that the ache I feel for a husband and children of my own. It’s hard to put into words. And on this night, my heart was overwhelmed within me.
The why was quickly followed by for how long, O Lord?
Almost immediately, my soul heard His answer. It wasn’t an audible voice, but the words that filled my mind were ones that were both tender and full of authority.
Let me first tell you what He didn’t say. He did not give me an expiration date on this feeling. He did not give me the name of my husband or even promise that there is one out there.
He said this: You will never feel this way in heaven.
Feelings of peace washed over me. I am already fully known, seen, understood. I belong. I am seated with Christ in the heavenly places. All of these things are already true.
But for now we see in part. I have days when I feel like I belong and I am a key part of this fellowship. There are other days when I think I could disappear and no one would notice. While I am fully known already, I can only see imperfect glimpses of that reality from time to time. One day I shall see fully and be able to understand that I am fully known. There will never be a single moment in eternity when I feel like I don’t fit. That feeling — that fear — will disappear. It will just be a memory, like suffering, sickness, and death.
I will never feel this way in heaven.
This means for me, this life is as bad as it gets. These feelings have an end date and they will be gone for good. I rejoice in that hope!
And what a wondrous thing / I can stand to sing / ‘Cause when I fall to my knees You’re the One who pulls me up again / And what a mystery that You notice me / And in a crowd of ten thousand You don’t miss a thing / I am seen and I am known by the King of kings and Lord of lords
“Good Good Father” (Chris Tomlin)
“You Don’t Miss a Thing” (Bethel Music)