He died so we would no longer have to fear.

Not death.

Not betrayal.

Not pain or suffering.

Not rejection.

Not a single thing.

My goal for Holy Week is to post every day – just what I’m meditating on. Today, my heart ponders His amazing promises. The title is taken from a new song from one of my favorite Christian groups, Selah, that will be out with their new album in August. I got a sneak peak from Angie, whose husband Todd is in the group. Today would be their daughter Audrey’s first birthday…

I love reading the books of prophecy. I didn’t always, but sometime during my undergrad years my eyes were opened to the beauty of God’s love for us as portrayed through His dealings with Israel. God’s been pruning me quite a bit lately and, as the term suggests, it hasn’t been pleasant. And yet there is joy because the fact that I am being pruned means I am indeed grafted onto His branches, and pruning allows for growth.

Still, there is one question ever before me…one prayer that escapes my lips…one thought that drives me to my knees in tears day after day. How many dreams do I have to put to death before You say it’s enough? When will this trial be over? When will the season of singing arrive? Don’t You want me to be happy?

The answer to that last question is “No.” Happiness has nothing to do with it. Everything is for His glory, to make me more like Him. And so I’ll keep laying it down, waiting for the day when He decides to lift His hand…

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…and you will praise the name of the Lord your God…”

“Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hard double for all her sins.”

I don’t know what He’s doing right now. But I will continue to move forward, trusting that His way is right.

None of this will be left unredeemed, in my life or in yours. Not one tear is wasted.

Here’s the song:

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter night, the wasted years
Life breaks and falls aparat
But we know these are
Places where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

I wish I could remember to update this more often. I wish I had the time to sit and really ponder this wondrous thing known as redemption. Just as it was two months ago, the word is ever before me, and I hope that its reality is taking hold of my heart.

I wrote this on Friday. I think once I heard someone say something similar, but the poem, sans the first stanza, is my own. This is the Good News as far as I understand it (and when it has to rhyme).

Humpty Dumpty’s Restoration

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

They cried for poor Humpty, lying there on the ground

There was nothing to do so they all turned around

“But wait!” shouted Humpty, “there is still one more thing –

I was told when I fall I should call on the King!”

The King heard the clamor and came out to see

What on earth the commotion might be

He took one look at Humpty, knew all had gone wrong

He lifted his hands and silenced the throng

He knelt down beside him and stretched out his hand

Whispering in Humpty’s ear the things He had planned

And then with one word the King made Humpty whole,

Placed him back on the wall, with a new heart and soul.

While all other may look and see a cracked, patched-up jar

The King looks at Humpty seeing past all the scars

He smiles at him and says, “All will be well.”

Because when the King looks at Humpty, it’s as if he never fell.

Psalm 131:1-2

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

My eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

Or things too wonderful for me.

 

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. Trying to understand WHY this great gift of salvation was just handed to me at the age of five. Why I was given two incredible parents who love God and love one another. Why I never had to worry about where I would sleep at night, when I would get my next meal, whether my loved ones would still be around from one day to the next. Why God kept me on such a short leash that I have no dramatic story to tell on Sunday when I stand before a congregation and fulfill the Lord’s command of baptism.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all wishing I had a story like that to tell. I am so thankful that I don’t know the pain and the shame of a life completely wasted. I am thrilled that I can say that God has been my Faithful and True Redeemer since as long as I can remember. I know that it is only by His grace that my sins (that I definitely have, though they may not be as visible as others) have been washed away, and only through His great love that I was spared from what I could have easily become.

But I still don’t understand WHY ME? I am thankful. I don’t wish for a different story to tell. Yet I hate that so often those whose stories are so different from mine think that somehow I am better than they. Believe me, I am just as messed up and in need of a Savior. In Christ alone, my hope is found. The question still remains: why did God, in His infinite love and wisdom, decide to make it easy for me? I was a Christian Thought minor in college. I know the textbook theological answer – everything He does is ultimately for His glory and our good. Like David long ago, I have to still and quiet my soul and just be ok with that answer.

So how can my story and one the complete antithesis of my own both accomplish the same goal – for His glory and our good? I know the right answer to this question, but my heart doesn’t accept it today….

I’m still not quite satisfied. I want to be.

I don’t know how many people actually read this blog. But if you read this post and have any insight that could help, please comment.

And while you’re at it, I’ve got a friend who is desperate for God to break through in a big way. Please pray with me for a miracle.

More on this topic to follow.

 

 

Just isn’t at all what it’s cracked up to be.

I worked 40 hours this week at my assistantship site and quickly remembered why I despised it last semester.

BUT….

If I can suck it up and do it another 7 work days I will have one-third of my hours completed before the semester begins.

So there.

BTW, I just love new beginnings. And hope. Hope that this year just might be a whole lot better than the last one. [Disclaimer: 2008 was a great year for me, except the last four weeks. So really I guess what I mean to say is that so far I like January a whole lot more than December.]

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

And the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
And I can see for miles
And the things I was stuck on
Things I thought would never change
They just broke open wide

And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn’t
You are still my sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

This is the one thing I know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
And You won’t quit till I’m free
Oh, You won’t let me go

It’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
That You’ll take a soul like mine
And in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ

This is the one thing I know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
And now You’re making me free…

But, Lord, I believe.

The older I become, the more I tend toward a more traditional view of the Christmas season. I used to count down the days to the day after Thanksgiving, because that meant I could get out all my Christmas CDs. Now, I am more selective when it comes to what I listen to in the four weeks before Christmas.

Advent: a period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of Christ’s coming. We remember how he came to us in the form of an infant; we look forward to the day He returns upon the clouds, leading us into eternal victory. I’m starting to believe that instead of celebrating every day till Christmas, we should treat Advent the way my beloved Episcopals treat Lent.

I come by this view honestly. I blame my father entirely. I will never forget hearing him sing Steven Curtis Chapman’s version of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” several years ago. I cried. Cried for the desperation I heard in the lyrics, for His beloved Israel who somehow missed the gift when it was right there on the cross.

This year, I come before the throne desperate. I see the depths of my sin and I know that there is nothing good in me. I consider myself in an exile of my own. I need a Savior. I am waiting for a rescue.

Maybe it’s because everything bad in my life always happens in December, and this December is no different. But once again I find myself looking to the skies asking the question, “How long?” Yet I need not wait long. Because Christmas is just around the corner, meaning Easter Sunday isn’t far behind.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
O Come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And Death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

He will come to us, as well.

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above, to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard fact that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone
So don’t be afraid, little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone, you’re not alone

Today I gave a presentation on the needs of middle school students. The short version? Middle schoolers need…

(1) to be heard
(2) to have their feelings validated
(3) to feel accepted regardless of the circumstances

Apparently, I have those needs, too. Because the only reason I’m posting right now is to say that today a dear friend told me that she reads (and likes!!!) my blog.

I feel validated. And heard.

Oh happy day. 🙂

Back to work on my take-home final.

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful friend
You made me, You know me
And You see my every sin
And my soul is amazed
By this gift of Your grace
And these arms that take me in
Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful friend

Sweet Jesus, my sheltor
You are my faithful friend
The refuge that I run to
When my world is closing in
Why should I be afraid
When I know I am saved
By the arms that take me in
Sweet Jesus, my shelter
You are my faithful friend

Sweet Jesus, my shepherd
You are my faithful friend
You hold me, You lead me
I’ll follow to the end
And once more I will say
On that beautiful day
When Your arms take me in
Sweet Jesus, my Shepherd
You are my faithful friend
Sweet Jesus, my Savior,
You are my faithful friend.