Ummm, Mr. President….?

I wrote a little while ago about identity, and how I often struggle to believe that I am who God says I am. I am amazed that He can look past what is (the desolate wasteland) and see what it’s supposed to be…what it will be.

Today our wonderful pastor pointed out yet another instance of this in Scripture. I’ve heard Gideon’s story countless times. I love it. Israel is oppressed by the Midianites, not because the Midianites are so evil (though they are) but because Israel has once again turned away from the Lord and He is allowing the oppression in order to woo her back. Gideon is told that he will lead Israel to victory. Gideon whines about how weak he is. He asks for a sign. He gets his sign. He asks for another one. He gets that one, too.

Just have to insert a comment here. My dear friend Kim Thomas gave a very funny commentary on this story once. “I never got Gideon’s fleece, I mean, I understood the concept, I just never understood why he needed a second go at the whole test. Maybe he was just wasting time. Also, if I was testing God I think I would ask for something better than a wet fleece, I think that if God told me to rescue my people I would test Him by asking for a rich, hot man to come down from the sky and propose to me, just saying…”

So Gideon finally decides to go along with the whole thing. He starts with 32,000 men. God sends the scared ones away, followed by the ones with bad table manners. He’s left with 300. God wins. The Israelites live happily ever after…or just until they forget a few years later and make the same mistakes all over again.

I was trying to make a point here. Oh, yes. Identity. I guess in my mental movie of this story I’ve always just assumed Gideon was scared or lazy. Judges 6:11-12 offers a different image.

¹¹Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash^A)”>(A) the Abiezrite, while his son^B)”>(B) Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. ¹²And^C)”>(C) the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him,^D)”>(D) “The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor.”

When the Lord finds Gideon, he’s hiding in a pit, trying to get food for his family that the Midianites can’t take away. Not exactly a picture of courage. And yet the angel of the Lord refers to him as a “mighty man of valor” (ESV), a “man of fearless courage” (amplified), a “mighty warrior” (NIV). I think it’s ok to laugh at the irony as long as we realize that the same can be said of us. The man hiding in a shallow pit is indeed remembered as a mighty warrior of fearless courage. The small boy who played music for his sheep defeated a giant and became the greatest king of Israel.

They may not have believed it, but they were, because He said they were.

And so am I, because He says so.

When can I go back?

I read over that most recent post last night and must have had it on my mind at church this morning.

I think what I wrote made it sound like I don’t believe people can change, that there are some who are too lost.

That’s not what I meant at all.

I’m also not trying to say that loving a sinner is useless. Love is what sets us free to live as we should.

But not human love. And that is what I often forget.

It is not my love for my brother or sister that is going to cause them to turn around. It’s the infinite matchless Love of God.

And His love can inspire the Beast – it’s the only love with the power to change, to heal, to restore. Love will set the captive free.

It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

Kindness.

Not mine.

His.

Some of you who read my blog (if anyone actually reads it anymore) are aware of the situation that probably prompted many of the thoughts and struggles of my last few posts. In regard to that situation, I want to say that I am not giving up. Not in the slightest. My prayers for this person have not lessened; instead they have increased in frequency and intensity. What’s changed is that I am no longer going to rely on my own love to do for this individual what only God’s love could ever do.

Where do I even begin?

Tonight I babysat for a three year old little girl. As part of her bedtime routine, she’s allowed to watch 30 minutes of a movie. According to her mom, she’s watched “The Little Mermaid” about 600 times. I laughed and told her that when I was young, I wasn’t allowed to watch that movie because my dad was opposed to it for moral reasons. When I explained why, this mom began to agree with me.

#1 – Ariel’s dad tells her to leave that boy alone and stay in the water where she belongs. Ariel disobeys.
#2 – In order to get what she wants, she has to give away the best part of herself, her voice, and she has to seduce a boy in order to get it back.
#3 – The very fact that in order to be happy she has to trade in her mermaid fins and get legs sends the message that who she was wasn’t enough and the only way to be happy is to be someone you’re not.
#4 – In the end, her dad gives her what she wants anyway, and she never has to suffer the consequences of her selfishness and foolishness.

It’s at this point in the conversation that my Dad would announce sinisterly, “Do you know how that story really ends? She dies. That’s what happens when you disobey your father.”

All that to say, my little friend and I decided to watch this movie instead.

Maybe it’s because I was already thinking that Disney is bad when we put in this film, or maybe it’s because I was in a bad mood, or maybe it’s because I am a jaded, cynical doubter, but tonight I found “Beauty and the Beast” to be morally repugnant, as well.

This one’s a little more subtle. Here we have the story of Belle – beautiful, smart, caring, the apple of her small town’s eye. I bet when she was growing up, all the ladies at church told her that they wanted her to marry their sons. Their sons would probably all rather die than marry her though, because she was just that good and likable.

Enter the Beast. He grew up with every advantage: good parents, enough money to fund whatever education he wanted, attractive enough (before the curse, anyway), and I would venture to say he was a pretty good athlete. Unfortunately, the world held too much appeal and he soon was a slave to her ways. He also had some serious anger issues.

When Belle meets him, he has alienated himself from all his friends and lives alone, bitter and depressed, with no motivation to change his ways. But never fear! The lovely, caring Belle sees the good in him and knows that all she has to do is kill him with kindness and he’ll become the man she dreams he can be….and an hour later, he does just that.

That’s just not how it works. Not at all.

This is why the elder’s daughter chooses the bad boys over the Gilbert Blythes.

There should be a disclaimer at the end of this movie that says: “If this story inspires you to start dating a felon or other unsavory character because ‘he could change’, beware. Just believing in him is not enough to make him put down the crack…or the alcohol…or even turn off the junk TV. He will do just enough to make you think he’s about to improve, while you are miserable and start to hate yourself. If that sounds like fun, then go for it, because every now and then there is a story like this one.”

But that one is the exception. We are the rule.

That’s why C and I stopped watching “Beauty and the Beast” after about 10 minutes and put in “A Bug’s Life.” And I went home and watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” with a pint of ice cream.

Yep.

I have a really low self-esteem most of the time.

Seriously.

Until a few years ago, I would have said my biggest struggle in my faith was pride and its subsequent legalism. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve been overwhelmed by grace to the point of being the ultimate enabler (can you say $800 over 10 weeks to fund someone else’s alcohol addiction? Oh right, me neither *insert shameful face*). Don’t get me wrong – I can be incredibly prideful, unwilling to admit my faults, judgmental, and unforgiving…those weeds just aren’t the ones God’s currently working on in this garden.

Where do I get that analogy, you ask? Four years ago, I spent two weeks in Cape Town, South Africa. Truly amazing. I hope one day I have the opportunity to return for much longer. During our second week, we worked at a small orphanage. In the morning, we led a Vacation Bible School for the school age kids, and in the afternoons, we began clearing land for a garden while sneaking into the “Baby House” to kiss the little ones.

When I say we cleared land, it’s not what you think. We weren’t pulling weeds or tilling the ground. No. Instead we removed every piece of garbage from this orphanage’s dump in order to then ready the ground for planting. It was exhausting and disgusting. It also showed me a side of the Father that I had never before seen, and that I would never forget.

There were times when it seemed the pile of garbage would never go away. I doubted we would ever finished in a few short days. Even more, I found it hard to believe that anything would ever grow in that small space. It seemed useless. I looked at this wasteland and just couldn’t see how anything good could come from it.

And suddenly He was there.

I felt Him at my side and heard His gentle voice say, “Couldn’t the same be said of you?”

I am that nasty dump. Many will pass by and think that there is no hope. No reason to think that the dross could be cleared away…that seeds could grow and bear fruit on this forgotten ground.

But not Him. Not even for a second.

“The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” (Isaiah 51:3)

I am not a hopeless cause. Neither are you.

Still, I struggle to believe it. I read in His word every day of His love and faithfulness. That he would give nations in exchange for my life. And yet hour by hour I doubt that He cares. That He loves me enough to give me what I want more than all else. That anyone could ever look at me and see someone worth fighting for. It makes me do crazy things, too. Just ask me about my relationship drama over the past year. Or why I am afraid to even introduce myself to people that actually want to serve the Lord with their lives. I could go on, but I won’t. I think you get the point by now that I am seriously messed up.

I want to believe that I am who He says I am, whether I feel like it or not.

That’s where this song comes in. Dennis Jernigan is probably the greatest songwriter of all time. Or just really good at listening to what God says and writing it down. The following song, Passionate Obsession, is written as if it were the Father singing over His children. I’ve listened to it nearly every day this year, sometimes indifferent, sometimes in tears.

Someday. Someday I will hear this song and believe and have no doubt. Sorry about the lengthy introduction. Here is “Passionate Obsession.”

When you’ve searched until you’ve found something you can’t live without
Hold on! Hold on!
I find in you love worth My life; worth the greatest sacrifice
Hold on! Hold on!
You are My most prized possession and proudly I make this confession:
I love you, I love you!
Worth my life to gain posession, you, My passionate obsession
I love you, I love you!

You are My desire!
I would brave both flood and fire, lowest depth, obstacle higher
Just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love’s deepest aggression
Just that I might know you more.

Life will throw the heart about, beat it down with fear and doubt
Hold on! Hold on!
I will be there both day and night; bind your wounds, restore your sight
Hold on! Hold on!
You are one worth fighting for, one passionately I adore
How I love you! I love you!
Higher than the highest fountain, deeper than the deepest fountain
I love you! I love you!

You are My desire
And I would brave both flood and fire
The lowest depth, obstacle higher, Child, just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love’s deepest aggression, Child
Just to get to know you more.

This is the first post in a two (or three or four or more) part series I will call “My All-Time Favorite Songs.” I’m sure you were really unaware of the title of this series, given the title of the post….

Anyway, the first one came out somewhere in the 1999-2000 time frame. I remember singing it a lot my freshman year of high school, especially on days when I thought my life was so hard. I laugh now at how little I knew then of trouble and hardship, and realize that ten years from now 33 year old me will say the same thing about 23 year old me. Honestly, how this song ever spoke to me back then I don’t know. It reminds me of the story of a young violin prodigy playing a beautiful yet tragic song on her violin. A man in the audience remarked, “It’s beautiful now, but can you imagine how much more beautiful it will be once she’s had her heart broken?”

The song below was beautiful to me then. I claimed it as my own. But now, having experienced real trouble and real heartbreak, it is even more beautiful. I’ve included the words to the seldom-used last verse (only ever heard it when Ginny sings live).

If You Want Me To (by Ginny Owens)

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

‘Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

…one of those “girl-power music” lovers, but what can I say? This song speaks to me. 🙂

Am I supposed to put my life on hold because you don’t know how to act
And you don’t know where your life is going?
Am I supposed to be torn apart, brokenhearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don’t show it
I don’t care if I never see you again
I’ll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together
But either way, baby, I’m gone

I’m so over it, I’ve been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you’re wondering
I got that new “I’m a single girl” swag
Got me with my girls and we’re singing it
Na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.

They call it tough love because it’s hard for the one administering it, though the one receiving it often plays the victim.

As a result, I often wait too long and then immediately struggle with feelings of guilt….

C.S. Lewis had a little to say about this. “Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them, but Love cannot cease to will their removal.”

Thus, it seems that tough love’s the only kind of love that’s really love at all.