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I deleted that last post. Should have done it sooner.

I need to get a filter and talk to God when I’m angry, not the whole world.

Will post a real update soon. My life is so hectic right now.

“The Lord will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” (Isaiah 51:3)

6:36am.

It really wasn’t that early. I get up an hour before that five days a week now. But during my senior year at Grove City I didn’t have a class before 11 any day of the week. I only had one difficult class each semester (Dr. Jones…hardest and best professor ever), and so I got to bed at a normal time…

Still, when that alarm went off at 6:36 every morning, I struggled to get out of bed. Some mornings, I hit the snooze button, and waited till 6:41. However, at 6:41, I always jumped out of bed, threw on my gym clothes that were waiting on my desk chair, and began the long uphill climb from the apartments on lower campus to the PLC (which took about 10 minutes booking it).

Some mornings it was pouring (okay – it was western PA…a LOT OF MORNINGS). Many times that winter it had snowed a foot the night below (or worse – negative temperatures with 40mph winds). But I got out of bed and made the walk. Why?

Because I knew that in the hallway outside the “girl Gym” there would be people waiting for me. Christie, Laura, Jenny, Lacey, KT – my amazing sorority sisters. They were there every morning at 7, waiting for the student employee to come open the doors. They would know. So I went.

As painful as it was getting up that early and heading to the gym, once I got there, I never felt the need to take it easy or skip out early. We had fun during those early mornings. Laura and I would sing along to “clumsy” every time it came on the radio, and when it got warmer, we sometimes ran through town instead. Other ABTs came more sporadically, and mentioned that they loved knowing that when they showed up, they would see familiar faces. We pushed each other.

I miss those mornings. I miss the accountability. I miss the leisurely post-workout walk back to my apartment. By then it was between 8 and 8:30, and I often got to hear the bells from Tower Pres playing a hymn or two. Even in subzero temperatures, I loved it. My roommates were both student teaching at the time, and so I had the apartment to myself. And so my morning ritual was extended to include two cups of coffee at the table, with my Bible and journal. I easily spent an hour there each morning…

I don’t say this to brag. It’s more of a confession. I miss those days. The time spent in communion with God. The relationship of accountability that I had with my dear friends.

It’s hard to be disciplined when there is no one to hold you accountable. Neither of my roommates this year are believers. They don’t care if I spent time with God or not today. They don’t really care if I ran or not this morning either. (LACEY, Kim, Laura, and Megan – I MISS YOU!!!!!)

This isn’t an excuse. It’s just the way it is in this season I guess.

Still, I really wish somebody was there to give me the kick in the pants I need on the days when I hit snooze seven times because I know that no one in Williamsburg will know if I sleep instead of going on a run or spending time in the word.

[Note to the readers I’m not sure actually exist: if you were hoping that my posts relating to Crazy Love would somehow make it so you didn’t have to read it for yourselves, you are going to be disappointed. This post is my response to bits and pieces of chapters 2-4.]

I get stressed out rather easily.

I try to prevent the stress from happening by planning everything way in advance and putting even the tiniest details on my “to do” list. I do this because that way I am less likely to forget and because it makes me very happy when I can cross something off in Sharpie.

*I am currently going through a Sharpie phase. I LOVE THEM, especially the Sharpie pens. They’re all I use. They make my handwriting look so cool :)*

Despite all the planning, preparation, and hard work, I feel like I can never get it all done…as well I think it should be done, anyway. Typical firstborn? Probably. But I refuse to let that determine everything.

It’s finals week at William and Mary. In addition to research papers, exams, and a gigantic portfolio (which was done a week early — go team productivity!!), I am in my church’s Christmas concerts this weekend. I don’t need any more reasons to feel stressed or worried.

Last night was particularly rough, for reasons that I don’t need to mention. As I sat at my desk trying to decide which assignment to work on next, I heard it. That gentle voice that causes me to let go of the tension that I’d been carrying around for days.

“My dear girl, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.”

Just call me Martha.

I’ve failed to heed that voice many times before, but last night I listened. Instead, I got on my knees and gave Him the honor He deserves (well, probably not even close but I gave Him all I have). And I confessed the worry and the stress. Chan writes, ” Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.”

So what is His will for me? He makes it pretty clear.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

…and ransom captive Israel…

That song makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.

So if you are coming to the concerts this weekend, I apologize. I’ll be the one tearing up in the second row.

But if you happen to look up at me during our rendition of “We Three Kings” a little later in the program, you will witness a full-out sobfest during the last verse. Seriously.

One of my goals for this blog was to record those moments of wonder. This song, the last verse in particular, with the orchestration of our arrangement, makes me want to bow on my knees and raise my hands to heaven. It overwhelms me every time.

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heaven replies
Star of Wonder, Star of light
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light.

[More from Crazy Love coming soon…]

Stop praying.

This is the title of Chan’s first chapter. Shocking? Yes, but the discussion that follows is noteworthy.

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon warns us, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.”

How many times have I uttered careless words before the Creator of heaven and earth? How often do I sing in worship services without actually letting the words pass through my mind and heart before they leave my lips? When did I last have a time of “prayer” in which I rambled on about something similar to a Christmas wish list and failed to spend even a second thanking Him for who He is?

Only fools treat Him this way.

I am one.

And so, Chan says we must stop and gaze at God in reverent awe. In holy fear. In the words of R.C. Sproul, “Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their insignificance, until they have contrasted themselves with the majesty of God.”

Let’s think about His majesty for a minute. He is omniscient. Omnipotent. He is all-loving, and He is justice.

And He is holy.

There are moments when I glimpse His holiness and I am overwhelmed. Like Isaiah, I fall to the ground and proclaim my unworthiness. Who is He that He would be mindful of me?

Who am I that I am so rarely truly mindful of Him?

If you know me, you know that music speaks to me in ways that not much else can. Thus, it shouldn’t surprise you that my response to this chapter was to break into song. Several anthems came to mind, but I will share just one. It is an old Point of Grace song called “God Forbid”

The more I know Your power, Lord
The more I’m mindful
How casually we speak and sing Your name
How often we have come to You with no fear or wonder
And called upon You only for what we stand to gain

God forbid that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid that I should think of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid…

Lord, I often talk about Your love and mercy
How it seems to me Your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted
Though You’re closer than a brother, You are more than just my friend

You are Father God Almighty
Lord of Lords, You’re King of Kings
Beyond my understanding, no less than everything
God forbid that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid that I should speak of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid, God forbid, God forbid.

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, and I bought a book to read during this season. I’ve heard many positive things about Francis Chans’s book, Crazy Love, and have wanted to pick up a copy for quite a while. I decided that this was a good time.

Advent is a season of preparation. A solemn time of quiet contemplation. A time to mournfully acknowledge my helpless sinful state and admit that I need a savior. “Who will rescue me from this body of death?”

But thanks be to God!

The month leading up to Christmas always seems to be the most chaotic of the year. There’s nothing simple or sacred about December. It’s a brass band in the background, crowded stores, noisy parties.

Sometimes the answer is to step back and sit in silence. To revel in the beauty of a clear night sky and meditate on this thought: The King of the universe loves me. Loves me in spite of all the things I’m not proud of and try to hide from the world.

He LOVES me.

This year, I am going to take time to be silent. To be still. It’s not going to be easy – it’s finals week. But I want to be sure to remember the holiness of this time, even if it means turning off “Jingle Bell Rock” and singing “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” instead.

I haven’t started reading Crazy Love yet, but the words on the back cover resonate with me and give me reason to think this is the perfect “Advent read.”

“Have you ever wondered if we’re missing it?

“It’s crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe – the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. and what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss…”

I cannot wait to start reading this book. I will be posting reflections about each chapter here, so be sure to check back. I’ll leave you with a song that makes me want to dance every time I hear it.
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He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane
I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of this afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way…

That He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves…

….It finally happened. I am officially quite comfortable working as a counselor in an elementary school.

How do I know?

Today I yelled, no, emphatically corrected, a child during group. No more always affirmative, nice Ms. Mock. I am acting like a teacher now.

The kids noticed, too.

“Ms. Mock, you’re not as fun as you were last time.”

“Well, D., you made me that way.”

Can’t decide how I feel about this.

So this morning I got up and decided to write a tribute post to this cute canine, Maggie the Menace. She may look sweet but there are at least six people that will agree with me when I say she is most definitely not.

Thursday night, my family got home from my mom’s birthday dinner to find that Maggie had destroyed the garage (she tends to have psychotic episodes when left unattended…the vet prescribed anxiety meds). They let her outside and she ran away. She usually comes back after a half hour or so, but this time she didn’t.

Last night, my sister drove around town looking for her on the side of the road but couldn’t find her. We all assumed she finally got what she deserved…Thursday night games make for lots of drunk drivers…

So this morning I was going to try to think of something nice to say about this cute and cuddly puppy, whose behavior got worse as she aged, and not better. Once upon a time, she was an obedience school graduate. We loved her. Now when we make a command, she gives you a look that says, “I’ll do whatever I want, buddy.” (Actually, I think the look is a two-word phrase which includes a four-letter word that would be spelled with astericks on my blog…)

But I don’t feel the need to say nice words anymore. The Queen Bee showed up in the front yard this afternoon, cold and wet, but none the worse for the wear.

Sorry, Mom. It was almost the best birthday present ever.